TachyonXero » soapbox

An overdue truth

TachyonXero — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 21:31:48 +0000

I’m Gay. To some this is not a new announcement, However to many it will be. For those of you who take issue with this fact, you have two choices. You can either get over it, or leave my site. This is not something new, or something I decided to do one day, this is the way I have always been. Until recently though I had decided to conceal this part of my life online as some of the people who read this site could have potentially caused me serious harm. They are also not the kind of people to take such news well or with any degree of acceptance. The people I speak of (mostly) are my Father and Stepmother. A few weeks ago my father had a stroke and while his prognosis remains good, the chances that he will be visiting this site in the future are almost zero. I remember him telling me stories of his youth, when he and his friends would beat up gay guys. So, when I came out to him years ago and he told me “Bullshit, you’re not gay.” I did not push the issue and let him slip into a comfortable system of denial. As for my Stepmother, discovering this fact will surely not be a surprise as I have been teased and insulted by her and her sons for years. In addition, I am not even sure she remembers I have this place. When I lived with them an unofficial and unspoken rule regarding my sexuality was in play and it goes as follows: They knew, I knew that they knew, but they made believe that they did not know and I made believe that I believed that they did not know, but knew that they knew. It’s complicated I know. However, since nothing they can currently do poses any kind of threat to me, I have chosen now to tell you. I realize that I am not obligated to do so, I owe you nothing. I am doing this for me. I should also say that this lag time between telling some people and telling the world has allowed me time to heal, some people did not take the news well and I suffered a broken heart for a long time. For some this information brings about some questions, below are the top five that I have been asked.

Are you sure?

I risked everything to come out, don’t you think I would be certain? Yes, I’m sure.

How long have you known?

I knew I was different since I was three years old. I never understood the interest men had with women, I just assumed I was strange. It was not until I was twelve or thirteen that I found out what the term gay was, and that it applied to me. (Thanks, Ellen DeGeneres)

Did you choose this?

To live a more difficult life? A life of ridicule and prejudice? No, not by a long shot.

Why not stay in the closet?

There is no happiness in that small dark place.

Are you doing this to be with someone?

No, I am still the antisocial, jaded, shut-in I have always been. You won’t be seeing me at the bars or clubs anytime soon.

Finally, the question you (the reader of my blog) will most likely be asking : What does this mean for the site?

Nothing, you will not suddenly see pictures of rainbow flags and half naked muscle men here. You may see a gay interest news story or two, but that is about all you can expect. I am still not ready to return here and begin posting again but when I do, there will be no reason for me to censor myself.

-TachyonXero

(FYI- I totally called the Ricky Martin thing years ago. I would claim to have called Lance Bass as well, but that was really teenage era wishful thinking.)

The fight is not over

TachyonXero — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 15:28:23 +0000

The war on intelligence is still being fought.

Shopping mall tattoos and my problem with the “mainstream”

TachyonXero — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 04:48:45 +0000

*This is a repost of my last entry before the crash.*

The other day I read an article saying tattoo shops are opening in shopping malls because they have become so mainstream. Soon it will happen again, I will have one of the things I hold dear, one of the things that makes me who I am stripped from me. It will be replaced with a label that reads “My generation.” Let me explain.

I love computers and science more than I can describe in words. However quite frequently when I get asked for advice or fix someone’s computer I usually hear the following. “Wow, your generation sure is fluent with the computer.” This is when my blood starts to boil in my veins. When other kids had toy cars and trains I was disassembling motherboards. When they were just starting what they called “Chapter Books” I was reading MSDOS manuals. When they were playing outside I was dialing BBS systems. While they watched after school cartoons, I read Michael Crichton. Don’t believe me? Ask my mom, she still has a pin from an EPROM chip in her foot. (She stepped on it in my room at about 3 am one night) It feels like all my love and passion, all my struggle and work vanishes under the vail of the “your generation.” statement. When I was in school, I chose the clothes that I wore because I liked them, the music I listened to because I thought it sounded good and so on. I was so happy when those days were over because (among many other reasons) I was constantly told I was a “poser” and just did the things I did to fit in. Sometimes it feels like those days are back.

One of my other passions in this world is tattoos. I can’t explain it, but I have always been fascinated by them. Until a few years ago I never really talked about it (or could afford to get any) but I have had a love of the art since I was very young. I currently have two and much to my parents dismay, I plan to get more when I can. Many more. I have been collecting tattoo pictures on my computer for many years and have several thousand now. Then I start to read how they have become mainstream. At first I thought “ Great! Now there is no need to hold back or hide them.” Then it happened again, someone upon seeing my ink responded “Well, you are definitely the tattoo generation”. My heart sank. It was as if I was just a ghost, a shadow of a person. No individuality at all, just an empty shell.

Everything that makes me who I am, gets a big “my generation” sticker slapped on it and in essence stolen from me. Even the fact that I am an internet entrepreneur gets the label. It’s like we live in a society that wants to group everyone together and abolish personality. Why the hell can’t people just be who they are without having to be part of a larger group? We are all individuals, it is our differences that make us alike. I would like to thank the media and all the others who use the “my generation” label for turning the world into one large high school lunch room. So what group are you in? After all, it seems that uniqueness is a dinosaur.

Go back to your shops in the shady parts of town tattooed people, or we won’t be who we are much longer.

-TachyonXero

Geek and Tattoo lover till death.

P.S.: When all the girls with the “tramp stamp” tats and the guys with the tribal armbands and koi fish start hating theirs later in life, I will still love mine. Because I got mine to be more of myself, not to be someone I am not. Some people don’t like that I have them, and I am sorry they feel that way but I made a decision. I would rather regret a choice I made, then regret a choice I could have made. That’s why I have the words “live now” tattooed on the inside of my left wrist. I am myself, I don’t have time to be someone else.