The Road Home

Posted in Present Day, The Great Dark Period with tags , , , on October 6, 2015 by TachyonXero

Several years ago, while setting up my (now gone) website business, I became aware of certain things happening to me I could no longer ignore. I began to repeat some tasks over and over again, forgetting that I had just done them. Noticing that memory problems and being around people was becoming more and more difficult. The more I tried to be social the more anxious I became and I began to have serious panic attacks.

I began to believe I had a neurological condition of some kind because of serious memory issues I was having. I had a MRI, full endocrine panel and genetic screening. The MRI and endocrine panel were okay but the genetic screening produced an abnormality consistent with Asperger’s Syndrome. When I began to research what Asperger’s was, my life slowly began to come into focus.

After pursuing several avenues in Texas for a diagnosis with no avail, I flew to Boston for testing from a team of neuroscientists and neurologists who diagnosed me with Asperger’s Syndrome, Non Verbal Leaning Disorder and Dyscalculia. Now, you may be asking “What does all this mean?”

The answer is not simple.

To people who have known me, it will begin to answer some of their questions. Questions they may have had, like “Why did I keep disappearing from high school?” The answer is that when you combine the pressure to be social in a large group with the fact that no matter how hard I tried, there were things I could not learn while at the same time, I had knowledge of computers far beyond what most people did as well as a reading and language skills at a college doctorate level.

I tried to explain to teachers that by the time I returned home, I had totally forgotten how to do my homework nor could I remember the next day what we had done in class previously or with any routine clarity. It was impossible. I was lost and I was scared. The more I struggled the more they classified me as a discipline problem and I finally just walked away. (If any of the administrators, at any of these schools, had taken the time to properly screen me for leaning disabilities, my life would be completely different today.) I got my GED and went to college but the same problems plagued me there and I eventually had to quit. Having an encyclopedic memory about some things, usually only one or two topics and then sketchy and inconsistent memory for most others is unfortunately a huge indication of Asperger’s.

I used to hide some of my forgetfulness and the problems I was having with executive functions by insisting on confirming before going over to anyone’s home. I avoided all large groups of people as they were most times overwhelming. When I was feeling overwhelmed, I refused to take phone calls or answer emails.

One incident that comes to mind was a summer journalism camp at the University of Texas. I felt somewhat uneasy upon arriving and as the first evening progressed I felt myself moving into a panic attack. Although I did not know it was called a panic attack at the time. I could not understand why I felt this way. While at dinner that night, I finally caved. I felt I had to run, as if the building were on fire. I phoned my mom who rushed to pick me up and I sneaked out of the building. It took me two days of quiet and isolation to recover. I never understood why this happened but it felt like a heart attack.

Another incident occurred after I went out with two separate groups of friends on two separate days, back to back. Each was a heavy social interaction, in a heavily populated place. After coming home and going to sleep I woke up in the middle of the night, and again I thought I was having a heart attack. My entire body was shaking. Once more, I could not explain what was happening but the only thing that helped me calm down was to disconnect everything including my computer for a month. It was too much social interaction over too short a time.

My personal life was a disaster and so was every other area of my life. This condition makes work extremely difficult. (People with Asperger’s have ~80% unemployment) It is absolute torture to know so much about something and yet be incapable of using that knowledge in a productive way. To crave human contact even though you know it is literally making you sick.

My life is in a very troubled and embarrassing state and it is for these and several other more personal reasons that I have maintained my prolonged silence. However, I am now aware my invisibility and reclusiveness may be helping me on one level, it is killing me on others. Therefore, I am taking the risk of making public what has been happening to me over the past nine years.

This only begins to cover what has happened as I can not put nine yeas into one post. Those who know me will have questions and I can answer most of them in time. This is going to be long process but as of today, I am slowly coming back.

Internet Commenters Your Time Is Now! Save The Internet!

Posted in soapbox with tags , on June 3, 2014 by TachyonXero

With an X

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on September 25, 2013 by TachyonXero

I has come to my attention that some people around the internet are using my name spelled with a z instead of an X. That’s fine, just don’t confuse us. If it is really me, you will usually find a link to that content from here.


Steve Jobs 1955-2011

Posted in cult of mac, soapbox with tags , , on October 6, 2011 by TachyonXero

Thanks Steve, For giving me the world I always dreamed of. One full where intelligence is rewarded and ignorance is shunned. Thank you for proving to me that an incredible and unachievable idea can become a reality. Thank you for everything.

An overdue truth

Posted in soapbox with tags , , , on April 8, 2010 by TachyonXero
I’m Gay. To some this is not a new announcement, However to many it will be. For those of you who take issue with this fact, you have two choices. You can either get over it, or leave my site. This is not something new, or something I decided to do one day, this is the way I have always been. Until recently though I had decided to conceal this part of my life online as some of the people who read this site could have potentially caused me serious harm. They are also not the kind of people to take such news well or with any degree of acceptance. The people I speak of (mostly) are my Father and Stepmother. A few weeks ago my father had a stroke and while his prognosis remains good, the chances that he will be visiting this site in the future are almost zero. I  remember him telling me stories of his youth, when he and his friends would beat up gay guys. So, when I came out to him years ago and he told me “Bullshit, you’re not gay.” I did not push the issue and let him slip into a comfortable system of denial. As for my Stepmother, discovering this fact will surely not be a surprise as I have been teased and insulted by her and her sons for years. In addition, I am not even sure she remembers I have this place. When I lived with them an unofficial and unspoken rule regarding my sexuality was in play and it goes as follows: They knew, I knew that they knew, but they made believe that they did not know and I made believe that I believed that they did not know, but knew that they knew. It’s complicated I know. However, since nothing they can currently do poses any kind of threat to me, I have chosen now to tell you. I realize that I am not obligated to do so, I owe you nothing. I am doing this for me. I should also say that this lag time between telling some people and telling the world has allowed me time to heal, some people did not take the news well and I suffered a broken heart for a long time. For some this information brings about some questions, below are the top five that I have been asked.

Are you sure?
I risked everything to come out, don’t you think I would be certain? Yes, I’m sure.

How long have you known?
I knew I was different since I was three years old. I never understood the interest men had with women, I just assumed I was strange. It was not until I was twelve or thirteen that I found out what the term gay was, and that it applied to me. (Thanks, Ellen DeGeneres)

Did you choose this?
To live a more difficult life? A life of ridicule and prejudice? No, not by a long shot.

Why not stay in the closet?
There is no happiness in that small dark place.

Are you doing this to be with someone?
No, I am still the antisocial, jaded, shut-in I have always been. You won’t be seeing me at the bars or clubs anytime soon.

Finally, the question you (the reader of my blog) will most likely be asking : What does this mean for the site?
Nothing, you will not suddenly see pictures of rainbow flags and half naked muscle men here. You may see a gay interest news story or two, but that is about all you can expect. I am still not ready to return here and begin posting again but when I do, there will be no reason for me to censor myself.


(FYI- I totally called the Ricky Martin thing years ago. I would claim to have called Lance Bass as well, but that was really teenage era wishful thinking.)


Posted in Uncategorized with tags on February 8, 2010 by TachyonXero

This will be my last post here for some time. It’s been over a year since I have had the inspiration to blog here, this place is not what it once was to me. As of this post I am going on “indefinite hiatus” from the blogging world. It’s not that I am depressed or sad because I am not, life is just taking me on a new path now and I intend to see where it goes. I am not the same man I was when I started blogging almost ten years ago. So much of my life has changed as well as so much of myself. Today I have been reading some of my old posts I had printed out, time seems to change everything and nothing at the same time. I realise at this point I am speeking to an empty room, However I am placing this note here so that if you happen to passing by you know that yes I am okay and no there will not be any updates for some time. So this is it, this site will stand like it always has to surve as the center of my online life. So, if your interested take a look around otherwise I will see you sometime later. As always I am greatful for all the memories you have given me over the years, Thank you.

Sincerely yours,